Trying to post more regularly is a theme of mine. Sometimes it works and I'm good at it, others it just doesn't happen. For months at a time. Friends of mine have family members who egg them on for more posts, can't get enough. My own mom often can't even log into her account and my dad never checks here. I don't hear from anyone else, so who knows! It's just a few friends who love to read up when then can and for you, I post.
My newest adventure has been in babysitters. Not babysitting, as many of you know I have done to keep things afloat since I got pregnant with T, but in actually getting sitters. Today I wondered if it was worth it as I gave the sitter exactly the same amount I was making (after paying her). But, it's good for T to have a different playmate, and it's all in the hopes of finding a day care for him one day a week. I wasn't necessarily going to put him into any structured environment until he hit 3, ready for preschool, but this new cleaning job came up and I just couldn't say no at this stage.
So, we're here, and I suddenly find that I feel like a grown up. Is that weird? I mean, my kid is two, I'm over thirty, we own a house and have been married for 5 1/2 years. But hiring a babysitter for my son while I go work is what makes me feel grown up. Not in an "I'm proud of myself" kind of way, it just has that effect. Like, suddenly I crossed into a new realm of mommy hood and it's really ok to not be the main influence on my child anymore. I guess I still am, and will be until he really takes to having peers, but I gave up that position in a way.
I have also come to realize something else. I don't care who thinks I'm nuts, but I've always wanted my children to be really close in age, much less than 2 years apart. Andy didn't feel the same way, so it was a bit longer before I even convinced him it was really ok to start trying. Well, I've realized my fears of not conceiving right away, or even the subsequent months after. Still waiting for the day we can say number two is coming, I look at my 2 year old boy and think "Wow, by the time the next one comes, he'll be close to or at 3 years old. And he'll be potty trained or close to it, and I'll have to get back into diapers. And lose sleep, when my boy has been sleeping through the night for a long time now. And get all crazy, when I really just rediscovered myself as a separate person, probably around the same time he did. Now I truly understand why I have always wanted my kids to be close together. But that's not what happened, and I have to find the grace and the gratefulness in the way things are."
But it still makes me want to cry.
On the other hand, I've been reading a book that I feel is somewhat cheesy, as in the exclamation point is way overused (did anyone even proofread this?) but just in that statement alone I'm undoing some of the work I've been doing with this book. The sequel to 'the Secret', "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne, is what is helping me realign my thoughts from a negative pattern to a more positive one - working with the power of the law of attraction. What I want must be what I love - and what I don't want shouldn't be thought or spoken of...
I've been finding new ways to look at the world, and it's really bringing me back to where I was in my early twenties - more carefree, more open, less worried and much more focused. I have lost so much of my true self through the years, allowing one experience to dictate my feelings on the next. It's a snowball effect, but I feel I must have hit a plateau. A study I read a little about helped to change my view first, which allowed this book to work a little more. This study said that in observing the human brain, it was found that thoughts create different neurological pathways, and a person will automatically start to go into certain thought processes if a pathway has been set. So, if one constantly thinks negatively, the brain is programed to go into those negative paths as soon as a new thought enters. The fun fact is that with persistence, these pathways can be changed. By taking time each day to think positively, the negative pathways will eventually be erased and the positive ones take precedence. What beauty's in that!
"The Power" also brings out the notion that life is not circumstance, but whatever you give out, you get back. It's really true, and has been spoken of all over in many different cultures, but the simplicity of it is likely what makes most people turn away. Which will make what you love turn away. By giving the love you have to those people and ideas you honestly love you are starting the path. It's tricky once you begin to find ways to change each negative word or thought into a positive one.
So, giving half my pay today to someone to watch my son? I love that he has a new person to play with. I love that he warmed up to her within 3 minutes, not the usual 10-15 it takes him. I love that she didn't mind my house is a bit messy. I love that she can drive herself here and home. And I love that I had a little bit of freedom to go outside my house without remembering everything my boy needs as we walk out the door.